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An Hour and No Bong: The Aerials Live Blog
My wife has already put the household claim on doing an Olympic figure skating live blog. Feeling a desperate need to participate, I'm live blogging the aerials.
8:40PM -- Wait. Did I just miss the whole first piece of the aerials competition? Dammit, I'm behind! I'm a shitty live blogger.
9:25PM -- Aerials are coming back. Despite only having gotten about 7 minutes of total airtime so far this evening, Bob Costas has said "Jarret SPEEEEEDY Peterson" about 19 times. His name is seared into my brain like a big X on a cow's ass. I could have Alzhimers at age 90, and I'll still sit there, drooling on my nurse, mumbling "Speedy Peterson."
9:27PM -- Some guy who is not Speedy goes.
9:28PM -- These guys go too fast. Damn tape delay. I can't do this live. So my blog will be like NBC. I'll take in all the action and then show it later. Of course, if I were really like NBC, I wouldn't actually show this blog for another 12 years and would insert 94 human interest stories into its text.
9:29PM -- Jaret "Speedy Peterson, the Son of God, unveils his new trick, The Hurricane. While commentators note that its most impressive feature is its 5 twists within 3 flips, I think its most impressive feature is undoubtedly that it has a gimmick name. People already need their own reference collection simply to converse with snowboarders, people of what appear to be the same species as the rest of us. Forget the odd language they use when they speak; the names of their maneuvers are fascinating on their own: McTwist, Method Air, and Crippler Air. Sadly, Speedy had some compression on his landing (that'd aerial nerdspeak for he landed on his ass) and placed 5th with a few skiers to go.
9:35PM -- The first Chinese man to ever qualify for the finals in this event, Han Xiaopeng, just did a triple twisting triple. Again, no gimmick. Take a clue from Speedy and his Funyun-eating snowboarding pals: Get a cool name for your jump, man. Call it the 3-by-3. Or the threesies. Or the old 33. Or maybe the Larry Bird. Indeed, his low difficulty jump is actually as boring as its name. However, he has bested Speedy's Hurricane and the four other guys who also bested Speedy's Hurricane and is now in first.
9:37PM -- A quad twisting triple from Dmitry Dashinski of Belarus wasn't enough to overtake the Chinese. Perhaps he had some compression on his landing.
9:39PM -- Speedy is upset. He seems to think that his fifth twist should have given him a medal because he's pushing the envelope. He's neglecting to mention that he landed on his ass. However, I continue to love Speedy because Bob Costas says his name so well -- and because every time Speedy is on camera, he does some strange surfer motion with his extended fingers.
9:40PM -- The commentator, whose voice and pothead demeanor seem eeriely similar to the tone and disposition of the moguls and halfpipe commentators, laments the lack of freestyle skiing medals for the United States.
Thanks for reading. Um, good night, and good luck.
COMMENTS:
wow, am i ever so sad that i missed that. freaking olympics.
Posted by: liz on Feb 24, 06 | 2:15 pm
The next time I randomly trip over something, I'm going to say it was "compression on the footing."
Posted by: susannah on Feb 24, 06 | 4:08 pm
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